Speaking of Death

Navigating the Complexities of Grief with Compassion, Presence, and Understanding

Facing Discomfort Around Death

Most of us are uncomfortable about the topic of death. We want to reach out but might feel apprehensive about what to say. These interactions can also trigger our own anxieties: How old was he? What did she die from? How long did he know he was dying? Could this happen to me? While our hearts can be filled with grief and compassion, our own feelings and possible dread can be difficult to sort through. Finding the right words and actions can seem daunting.

Offering Presence and Comfort

One of the single greatest gifts we can offer a person in grief is our presence. Sometimes saying nothing and just being with the person can be soothing and bring much-needed comfort. Reaching out to hold a hand or sitting together can create a quiet space for rest and peace. Silence is ok.

Words of Sympathy

It is understandable that words can be hard to find. This is one of many cases where honesty can be the best approach. Simple phrases and a held hand can include:

“I am so sorry for your loss.”

“I wish I had better words, just know that I care.”

“You and your loved ones will remain in my prayers for comfort and peace.”

“My sincere sympathy rests with you.”

“I am here to support this time with you.”

Sharing Personal Memories

On a more personal note, we can offer shared memories and support:

“My favorite memory of your loved one is…”

“I will always treasure our memory of…”

“One of the many things I loved about your loved one was…”

“We all need help at times like this. I am here for you.”

“I am as close as a phone call.”

“I will remain in touch with you over the next weeks.”

Avoiding Harmful Statements

On the other hand, there can be times when our own discomfort can give way to trying to resolve the pain for ourselves. In these cases, we might come up with statements that may make sense for us but can be minimizing for the bereaved or an attempt to “gloss over” a painful loss for us.

In the Case of Long-Term Illness:

“Well, at least it’s finally over.”

“I know it must be a relief he is gone.”

“Now you can get on with your own life.”

“Don’t feel bad. He brought it on himself.”

Religious References:

Many religious traditions teach that a reward in heaven follows death. While these references can seem helpful, they can also suggest that people are wrong to grieve. In other cases, it can trigger feelings of anger with God:

“She was such a good person. God wanted her with him.”

“He is now in a better place…”

“She came here to do what she had to do. Now it is time for her to go.”

“This is God’s plan. We have no right to question.”

“Now there is a little angel in heaven.”

Statements That May Minimize Grief:

There are also remarks that suggest understandings that may not be accurate or fair.

“I know how you feel…”“The same thing happened to my neighbor.”“Be strong. He wouldn’t want you to grieve.”“You must be strong. People are depending on you.”

Understanding Grief’s Timeline

The adjustment time following the death rituals introduces a new way of living. We can never know or understand what a person is experiencing. There is a false belief that grief has a timetable or steps to follow and then it is over. The reality is that grief never leaves us. It just changes form and we learn to adjust.

Judgment About Grief’s Duration:

Judgement on how long a person is grieving can be painful and insensitive:

“You have grieved long enough. Now, it’s time to take back your life.”

“She would want you to get on with life.”

“You can’t live in the past.”“It’s not normal to keep his things.”

“You should be getting over this by now.”

Staying Connected with the Bereaved

Staying in touch is critical in the care of people living with loss. Phone calls and invitations for coffee or meals can mean so much. People need the comfort and companionship of community and honoring acceptance. It’s easy to slip into giving advice or casual observations without recognizing the depth of loss a person might be experiencing. The gift of our presence, kind remarks, and active listening can be our greatest gifts toward comfort and healing.